My main battle in life has been with myself. Emotional dysregulation has haunted me the last few years. It has scared myself and the rest of my family. I have spent years with an ugly, angry demon that threatens to come out and wreck havoc on a beautiful little life. The more I tried to understand the anger and pain the more I realized that it could not be understood. It was insanity.

I still struggle with my weakness. But it has gotten better. The hardest task I had to do was to learn to forgive myself. I am incapable of forgiving. But God is not. It is He who allows me to forgive myself and let go of the pain and anger and truly change. I cannot. But He can.

Growing up, I was a very good person. Yet my reasons for being good weren’t great. I liked never getting into trouble, or confronting anything scary or dark. I was smug in my perfectness, unbending in righteousness, often prideful because I was better than others.

Sin is very scary and painful. But when I sinned and went though hard times, I realized God was there with more power. He didn’t want my prideful perfection that I was failing to obtain. He wanted me as I was: broken and contrite.

God wanted me broken and sad, so that He could take me and turn into what He wanted me to be. That I could shed all that pride and truly become a new person: perfect and righteous only through His atonement, not of my own merit. God wants sinners. He wants to turn me into something that was much more than I could be by my own efforts, even when I was striving for good things.