Last week I talked about conscious. I have done many things I would rather take back. Sometimes the memory of what I did eats at me. I’ve felt dirty, unlovable, and guilty. Guilt feel horrible. But I can’t change what I’ve done, and I also can’t change my knowledge of right and wrong. I have to live with the knowledge that I am far from perfect, that I make mistakes and do things that I know harm those around me.

Even worse is addiction. Although I have not had any classical addictions, I still have my own little pet sins that I return to. Anger and distractions are horrible habits that I turn back to even when I know I shouldn’t be. Just writing about this makes me cringe. I want to change and do better, but sometimes it seems beyond me.

Luckily, I don’t have to live with the pain and guilt my mistakes. There is a path that can take me away from addictions, and can help me change over time. There is a power that enables me to do more than I can by myself. Power that can make up the difference of all my shortcoming, that can take away the sting of my guilt, that can bring me blessed forgiveness and strength.

It is through Jesus Christ and the wonderful atonement. I rejoice to live in a world where so many people know of the redeeming love of Christ. I also know that there are many that do not know that His love extends even to dark sins, that we are never beyond His healing power.

If we want to change and no longer live with guilt, there is way out. The Atonement extends to everyone.

This is a short series outlying the fundamental beliefs I have. For more see:
Truth is Absolute
Conscience

We all have a little voice in our head telling us what is right and wrong. The voice is often independent of the values we grew up with. It doesn’t change, although if we listen it is clearer, and if we ignore it, it might go away. In all cultures and society, certain things are always seen as right or wrong. There has always been good vs evil.

In my church we call refer to this as part of the light of Christ. With our upbringing and past experience, sometimes our conscience is different for each of us. I think if heeded, it will over time take us to about the same place, although the path might be widely different for everyone.

I think we can’t be too good, and it is better to be far on the right side than to try to see what the edge is. But even if I try my best, I end up doing things that eat at my conscience. I know when my path is less than perfect: everyone knows an abundance of their own weakness. I also know when I do things well, and I know my strengths.

Life is more black and white than I think we often make it out to be. Complications usually only come when we are trying to justify less than good behavior.

This is a short series outlying the fundamental beliefs I have. For more see:
Truth is Absolute
Redeemed

I’ve struggled with mental issues for a long time. Today has been a bit of a dark day. I’m just trying to keep pushing through, although I’ve considered changing about every aspect of my life. I’ve mentally thrown out everything in my life, fired myself from all my projects, told myself to stop trying.

Didn’t stick. Because I did it because I felt depressed, not because what I was doing was causing depression. I look at my life and I have no reason to be depressed, especially now. That doesn’t mean I can just wish away all the dark feelings I have.

But I can keep going. Maybe a little slower, a little more humble, but I can keep going. Ignore all the blackness that does not come from the truth of my life. Forgive myself when I am weak. And take advantage of what I do love, even if it doesn’t feel as joyful today as it always does.

I don’t understand all the emotions I have, and the more I try, the more issues I often end up with. When I stop trying, and instead look inside myself for Truth, truth that comes from Christ, the unmoving rock, then I can find peace.

I imagine my emotions at three levels, see below.

The surface emotions are out of my control in many respects. They are reactions. These are always the first emotions I feel to a situation. They are best acknowledged and ignored. For instance, I might feel angry over my toddler spilling juice all over. The best think I can do is acknowledge that I’m angry, and then choose not to act in anger.

Attitudes are directly controlled by my efforts.  So when the toddler spills juice, I ignore my initial anger. I instead choose an attitude of love. Attitudes are emotional actions, and are what I need to focus on when I do try to change my emotions.

Being is the result of my attitudes, and is the core of what I am. Being is joy if I am striving to live a good life, if I choose good attitudes. Being, joy, is a gift from God and is directly related to my relationship with him.

So I’m thinking about this, thinking about today, and how I feel a little down. That initial bad feeling is the surface emotion. Let’s ignore it. If I go down to my core being, I find a foundation of joy. No problem. My heart is where it needs to be. My attitude: well, it turns out I’m feeling a little selfish. I need to start focusing outward. I feel better. 

I hate getting knocked down by bad attitudes: but I do have complete control over them. I’m not ever going to avoid feeling bad at times: but I can focus on my foundation, focus on where my attitude needs to be, and I can be stronger.

We believe in absolute truth, including the existence of God and the right and wrong established by His commandments. We know that the existence of God and the existence of absolute truth are fundamental to life on this earth, whether they are believed in or not. We also know that evil exists and that some things are simply, seriously, and everlastingly wrong…

The philosophy of moral relativism, which holds that each person is free to choose for him or herself what is right and wrong, is becoming the unofficial creed for many in the United States and other Western nations.  —Dallin H. Oaks, from this talk.

Morality should not change with the times. The way I think about this, some things have always been good. Telling the truth, being kind, raising children with both a father and a mother. Just because I might think differently, doesn’t make things less wrong or right. There is an absolute truth, a defining of right and wrong that never changes.

In my life, I have tried to live to achieve absolute goodness. I’m not even close to achieving it, but I try. Can you really be too good? I never want to give up my pursuit, or even worse change my thoughts about what is right and wrong.

There have been times in my life when I wanted to give up and run away from the stupidly hard perfect life I was trying to live. I wanted to go away from what I knew was good and right, because it wasn’t exactly what I expected. I didn’t, and I am so glad. I wanted to run from my family, and that is the very thing that has brought me the most joy.

There is an absolute truth of family–and I firmly believe that every child has a right to a mother and father and a good home.

There is absolute truths of goodness, decency, truthfulness, kindness.

It doesn’t matter if I feel differently, it doesn’t change the fact that right is right and wrong is wrong.

If I am creating individuality, defining myself,  it will only work if I also hold true to the principles of goodness, truth, and right. To lack a moral compass is like lacking a compass. You don’t get anywhere. I look at many celebrities lives, even the lives of the people around me. If they pull away from right and decent behavior, they start being defined for the inappropriate behavior, instead of being defined for who they are.

This is a short series outlying the fundamental beliefs I have. For more see:
Conscience
Redeemed

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, more simply known as Mormons. I was born into this church, and I’ve remained active in the church my entire life. I do not remember a week where I have skipped church.

I believe that this Church teaches the full gospel of Jesus. But it wasn’t until I got into adulthood that I started to wonder what exactly that meant. What made my church different and more desirable than any other Christen church out there? I’m actually still trying to answer that question. There are many in my church who have answered it. (You can look at this talk, and this summary for examples.)

But words are very different than actual feelings and experience.

What will follow is a three part series on why I remain a Mormon, and why I think people should become Mormons.

But before I get there, here is my simple answer:

I am a Mormon because it brings me joy.

In the spirit of this blog, remember this what I do in my own life. If it doesn’t ring true and right to you, than disregard it. It is more important to find your own truth than what adhere to what other people say are true. (Although  what people maintain are absolute truths are certainly worth looking into.)

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

I think cleanliness is inherently good. Houses that are filled with mice, stickly spills, and neck high clutter are unhealthy and depressing. My own house is pretty tidy. I have a regular schedule to clean bathrooms, floors and such, we do dishes after a meal, and we pick up a lot. The toys and almost all our belongings are organized and put away regularly. Sometimes with two boys, the floor can get covered with toys, the dishes take a bit longer to do, and there can be paint on the floors and fingerprints on the windows that never quite gets cleaned up all the way. But I feel like my home is comfortable, I never feel too bogged down with housework, and I’m nearly always welcome to spur of the moment company.

I was at a friends house. She is not as tidy as me, with toys scattered in all the rooms. Where I like to have all my books in one place, there are books nearly everywhere in her house. It is not a disaster: there aren’t mounds of dust bunnies or foot high piles of clutter. While I was there and our kids were playing, the clutter of toys put me a little on edge. I wasn’t quite sure how to engage in play with my children, what toys to go for. But then I thought that maybe my neatness, and having toys organized into neat bins might be a little uncomfortable for her.

I have been to houses where I felt a little bad for touching anything, where it all looks a little too nice, shiny and perfect. I think we each have our own level of cleanliness we are comfortable with and that is what we should strive for in our own homes. For me, it means kitchen drawers in disarray, toys organized into bins, and ignoring most little messes until I get to them in my cleaning schedule. What matters most, is I feel comfortable in my home, and I am comfortable with the amount of housework I do.

I am a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or to put it more simply, I am a Mormon. Recently I have found an increase of people around me leaving the church. This often causes a lot of concern and worry for those who remain in the church. Our church promises a lot of blessings to the faithful and no-one wants to see those blessings taken from those they love.

When I had one old friend mention on social media that he had left the church, this Mormon scripture came to mind: Article of Faith #11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Our church teaches agency. Part of our journey here is to discover what we will choose, in our actions and beliefs. I know many whose thoughts and feelings take them away from the church: they are not able to believe in it, live up to the teachings, or  feel comfortable with regular activity. If it isn’t working in their life, I cannot fault them from stepping away.

In our church, we often expect and encourage people to leave behind their original church and traditions and come join in our worship and culture. I think it has to go the other way sometimes as well: sometimes we have to let people leave our church. Ultimately, it is more important to follow our own conscience then the conscience of others around us.

For me, I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true, that it is a church literally guided by Christ, and provides the fullness of His gospel. My belief comes from the simple knowledge that following its teachings has brought me great joy. I would like all to experience the same joy, blessings and promises I have received through the church: but I also believe it just isn’t going to happen for some people. And I can respect that, and hope they find their own truth and joy.

I had a rough time for a few weeks. I liked my life, but felt a little down. I wasn’t depressed, I was just tired of the same things and facing the same problems, and not being able to keep a good attitude as much as I wanted. But one day, I received a nugget of good thought, that I needed.

Think of who you want to be, not what you want to do.

I focus a lot on tasks. What I’ve done, what I’m going to do. As I’m thinking about all the things which I need to get done, and then turn around and repeat the next day, it is discouraging. Doing things, often very repetitive things, is both boring and exhausting.

But focusing on being someone great is exciting. Trying to follow Christ’s example of peace and charity, trying to be a better person with His help, makes life mean more. What matters in this life isn’t what goals I accomplish, it is the person that I become.

So the kids are not wanting to go to bed at bedtime. Instead of getting mad because it is bedtime, and they must go to bed, I think of how I want to be a good mother, how I want my children to obey me because they love me. We took a magic couch ride to several volcanoes, dinosaurs, and a train station. And when the kids started to wrestle me (boys are like that), I ran away from them and trapped them in “cages” which were their beds. I wasn’t focused on just tasks, on getting them to bed. I wanted to be a good person, and it meant not getting mad, it meant having fun, creating games. It wasn’t exhausting. It was liberating, so much easier than fighting with them to get to bed.

My focus needs to change, so my thoughts are focused on striving to be the best person I can, the person I want to be. That’s not accomplishing a million things. For my life, it can be accomplishing little but snuggles and games. It is about being present and enjoying life, not for what can be checked off at the end of the day, but for the joy that comes in just living.

Sometimes I forget to look at my kids. When I do, their faces show annoyance, sadness, disappointment. C’s face often has me running for a tissue. But many times they are full of joy: unblemished smiles full of love. Being able to create these smiles as I play with them is the best feeling in the world.