I often feel tangled about in my weaknesses as a mommy: thoughts run through my head. I can’t do this anymore. Why did I do it again? Well this every go completely away? Where did I go wrong?

The desire to no longer have my weaknesses has sometimes consumed me. I know the atonement can, and has, changed me…why do I still struggle with this?? Recently I read this article and realized: the Lord will take away my sins, but not always take away my weaknesses.

So the answer I have is to keep going, keep trying. I can do it again, and my struggles, although they do not go away completely, are improving and becoming lessened.

Jesus Christ said to forgive 70 times 7, and that includes myself. His atonement is infinite and eternal. He expects me to keep going, to rely on Him and try my best, not to be perfect. One quote that has stuck with me is “Saints are only sinners who keep trying.” (Mother Teresa)

I had a horrible day at one point, and did something I never wanted to do again. I prayed that the lord would help me with my weakness so i would never be in the same situation again. He patiently showed me several ways that i needed to change.

I realized that my routine was becoming a God. I like to get a lot done during the day. A ridged schedule is impossible with young children, but I do have a routine I follow religiously. The first of the ten commandments is “Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.” I believe that this commandment teaches that we need to turn to God first as our authority, our support and follow His commandments before anything else.

I turned to my routine before I was turning to God. Instead of seeking God and what He would have me do, I would look at my list and what I had planned. If things went wrong, I got angry instead of being humble. At the end of the day, instead of evaluating my life with the commandments and expectations God has given us, I would judge how I did based on how well everything went and how much I got done.

So I am trying to change. Instead of seeking the next thing in my routine, I desire to pray to God and ask if there is anything that He needs me to do. At the end of the day, I need to not worry if I got the planned chores done, but if I was gentle and kind with my children, if i followed the exhortations in the scriptures.

There are many things which can come before God, and I don’t want any of them to do so any more. Sometimes it is my routines, my to-do list. Other times it is the distraction of media or a bad attitude. There is nothing more important to me than my faith and God, but I don’t always act that way.

What sometimes comes before God in your life and how can you change that?

What am I grateful for in my life?

A growing baby inside of me

Two awesome boys that I get to play with and teach each day

A marriage that just keeps getting better

A husband with a great job he loves and that keeps our bank account from empty

The spiritual and emotional growth I have accomplished

The chance to re-try so many times

My own home that is large and full of stuff

Learning about permaculture and gaining a new perspective on gardens

Opportunity to help out others with their gardens, including the community garden

Friendships that continue to grow

Gardens and chickens

Opportunities that are only limited by imagination

I see my children playing for hours making castles in the sandbox, parking lots of matchbox cars, and drawings that grow from scribbles to recognizable shapes and people. Childhood is joyful. There is a lot of free time to explore and play. Responsibility and worries aren’t as great, there is more room to be creative and playful. I can look back on my own childhood with happy memories of hours spent playing outside climbing trees, of reading book after book, and flying in the stars in pretend spaceships.

But I don’t think being a child is always fun and games. I have plenty of memories from my own childhood of frustration, disappointment and pain. It can be a hard time of life, with a lot of expectations to learn, and dealing with problems with little experience or emotional capacity. I see my own children in tears as they can’t quite make their drawing look right, they don’t understand why we have to leave a friend’s house, or get in trouble for wrestling their brother or drawing on the walls.

What do I want my children to gain from their childhood? I want them to learn and grown and turn into responsible and righteous people. Sometimes I am frustrated as we face the same problems with little progress. I can feel angry, inadequate as a mother, and even hopeless.

It helps to remind myself that they are children. They want to play and be happy and have yet to develop all the understanding of an adult. I do need to guide them and correct them, but  it is just as important to help them experience the joy of childhood. I want them to look back on their childhood and have more memories of the joy of playing, than to remember time-outs and tears.

So sometimes, I can let things go. Parenting is as much about playfulness as discipline, and is never about being perfect.  When I want my children to do something that they aren’t too interested in, forcing them often accomplishes nothing. It is far more important for a child to experience play and creativity then to always be pushing them to live up to expectations they can’t reach. They will grow and get better, at their own pace and only with gentle guidance.

Right now, it is often better to let them track mud in the house than to stop them from making mud pies, to clean up a big mess of paint with a smile instead of putting a child on time-out, and to go outside and play in the rain instead of getting one more chore done.

I love feeling like the Lord is guiding my life, strengthening me and showing me a Godly path to follow. I feel I have grown spiritually recently: many weaknesses I have struggled with recently aren’t as much of a problem. I can see myself growing.

I want to never go backward again, to become truly changed as a person. And I believe that through the Atonement this is possible. But I sometimes have bad days, where weaknesses threaten to come back and bad habits take over.

I cannot ever stop trying or believe I will not be tempted again in certain ways. Spirituality requires constant vigilance.

Mosiah 4: 30 “But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.”

I have wild boys. At times they wrestle each other too harshly, they hurt each other when they don’t get their way, model reverence is a distant goal, words they aren’t supposed to say are often used, and bedtime can push both parents to a near breaking point.

I’ve thought a lot, I’ve read a lot a lot of discipline. I have tried new tactics occasionally, regressed to old and less than wonderful tactics like yelling. More than anything though, one experience and phrase has stuck with me to guide my efforts.

I was praying to God, asking for help with my children. And I felt this overwhelming love from Him, as I often do when I reach out toward Him. Every time I have asked for help, testimony, or anything else the answer comes at first as a feeling of love. This time as I was basking in His love, I thought the phrase, “Overwhelm them with love.”

“Overwhelm them with love” was my answer for all the discipline with my children. Too often in the past I have turned to anger instead of love and gotten nowhere. But turning to love instead always works.

So today, when my two children decided to engage in a loud physical fight right in the middle of church, I took them out into a room by ourselves. I told them firmly that they were in trouble and that was not acceptable behavior. My oldest was very upset about getting into trouble and cried and complained loudly for a while. I let him. And then when he started to calm himself down, I went up and put my arm around him and told him I love him, and listened to him.

My child needed to be told what he was doing wasn’t acceptable. But he also need someone to listen to him and know that he was loved no matter what. He needed someone to patiently and calmly help him through his emotions so he would be able act more appropriately.

Love accomplishes more than any other act of discipline. It isn’t my first train of thought when the kids are acting up to overwhelm them with love. But it is always the best course of action.

It’s still October, but Christmas trees are popping up and the season of buying massive amounts of gifts begins. I look forward to finding fun new toys and games from my children and family…but sometimes the amount of presents that seems required for others becomes a bit overwhelming.

At certain times in life, many of us become wealthy enough that if we really want or need something we go out and buy it for ourselves. After years of school, I feel I have reached this stage in my life. Previously, I often had a list handy for people of things that I would appreciate or needed for an upcoming birthday or Christmas. Now, my list of things I want that I haven’t bought are generally pretty expensive and not something that actually makes a good present.

But presents are still expected. So I get a range of presents that include the useful but impersonal gift card, gifts that I know will eventually end up at the thrift store or get dusty on a shelf, and only occasionally something that actually is meaningful and appreciated. It isn’t the gift givers fault—it is just where I am at in my life where I have more than enough stuff already cluttering my life.

I think there is a way to give gifts that bears nothing to the routine that we have placed ourselves in. I don’t think we should give up on giving presents—even when people seem to have more than enough stuff. I think there are just some different ways to give gifts that we should focus on instead of the routine overload of presents that sometimes happens.

1) Re-gifting. We are good friends with another family and have attended each other children’s birthday parties. The kids exchanged presents, which they enjoyed. But we haven’t bought anything. Instead our kids received re-gifted toys that have sat under-used in our closets. I think my son learns more about giving by picking out one of his favorite hot wheels to give to his friend for his birthday, instead of just picking up a random present at the store. I also don’t feel bad if down the road I end up not keeping the present we received.

Re-gifting can be effective for adults as well. I often own things that are surplus for me, but might be appreciated by someone else. I’ve enjoyed furniture received from aunts and parents during times that I’ve moved, or clothing that was not wanted by others but I loved. One story that has stuck with me years after reading it is a couple who gave away a buffet table to a friend who admired it. They still would have used the buffet table, but realized it would be better appreciated by the friend.

2) Those in need or want
Presents meant a lot more when I was in college and unable to afford any luxuries. We all frequently have times in our lives when we only scrape by. During those times, gifts are meaningful as we receive items we wanted but could not afford. I also like to give gifts at times of weddings and baby showers, when people can use a lot of new items.

4) Because we have something to give
I have received presents that I loved. My sister gave me an air plant recently. I was very appreciative of that gift. She understood what I liked, and got me a gift accordingly. I sometimes have great ideas for presents for others as well, and find something that for whatever reason they would love but wouldn’t get for themselves. I’ve also been the recipient of homemade presents like crocheted blankets and scarves. Because I don’t possess the skill necessary to make these presents, they are also very appreciative and wanted. At times, I’ve given landscape designs as gifts to family and friends. I enjoy sharing my talents, and know the gifts are more meaningful than another routine gift-card.

5) Thinking of you
If a birthday or gift-giving opportunity presents itself, sometimes the best gift isn’t another random present but a simple card or other way to let the person know that we are thinking of them. Mailing birthday cards to far away relatives, remembering to tell someone happy birthday or congratulations doesn’t always need to be accompanied by any present, but the thought is still appreciative.

Gift-giving doesn’t have to a be another way that just adds to the amount of often useless junk in our lives. If we are paying attention to the people around us, we can start giving gifts that are more meaningful and wanted. Gifts shouldn’t be something that we just do because we are supposed to, but a way to help others, share our talents, or just let people know we are thinking of them.

In my scripture study I came across this scripture:

Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do. 2 Nephi 32:3

I have a firm desire to study the words of Christ more. Although I do study the scriptures daily, I often bring in a lot of other material based around scripture, but that isn’t really the words of Christ. I also enjoyed this talk:

As I was pondering this scripture and talk this morning, I was drawn to the Sermon on the Mount, found in Matthew chapters five through seven. I have made a new goal to myself to read it everyday until the end of the year, so that I can more fully feast upon the words of Christ and follow His example.