I’ve struggled with mental issues for a long time. Today has been a bit of a dark day. I’m just trying to keep pushing through, although I’ve considered changing about every aspect of my life. I’ve mentally thrown out everything in my life, fired myself from all my projects, told myself to stop trying.

Didn’t stick. Because I did it because I felt depressed, not because what I was doing was causing depression. I look at my life and I have no reason to be depressed, especially now. That doesn’t mean I can just wish away all the dark feelings I have.

But I can keep going. Maybe a little slower, a little more humble, but I can keep going. Ignore all the blackness that does not come from the truth of my life. Forgive myself when I am weak. And take advantage of what I do love, even if it doesn’t feel as joyful today as it always does.

I don’t understand all the emotions I have, and the more I try, the more issues I often end up with. When I stop trying, and instead look inside myself for Truth, truth that comes from Christ, the unmoving rock, then I can find peace.

I imagine my emotions at three levels, see below.

The surface emotions are out of my control in many respects. They are reactions. These are always the first emotions I feel to a situation. They are best acknowledged and ignored. For instance, I might feel angry over my toddler spilling juice all over. The best think I can do is acknowledge that I’m angry, and then choose not to act in anger.

Attitudes are directly controlled by my efforts.  So when the toddler spills juice, I ignore my initial anger. I instead choose an attitude of love. Attitudes are emotional actions, and are what I need to focus on when I do try to change my emotions.

Being is the result of my attitudes, and is the core of what I am. Being is joy if I am striving to live a good life, if I choose good attitudes. Being, joy, is a gift from God and is directly related to my relationship with him.

So I’m thinking about this, thinking about today, and how I feel a little down. That initial bad feeling is the surface emotion. Let’s ignore it. If I go down to my core being, I find a foundation of joy. No problem. My heart is where it needs to be. My attitude: well, it turns out I’m feeling a little selfish. I need to start focusing outward. I feel better. 

I hate getting knocked down by bad attitudes: but I do have complete control over them. I’m not ever going to avoid feeling bad at times: but I can focus on my foundation, focus on where my attitude needs to be, and I can be stronger.